Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Save the world with Baby Oil

Thanks to the genius of Al Gore and his entourage of enlightened Hollywood elite, the world is now aware of its impending doom. Leftists are rallying to stop global warming caused by the world’s most dreadful pest species, homo sapiens.

The global warming threat looms over humanity at the same time that energy sources have been maxed out, causing a dreadful situation in which the world’s most important individuals, almost all of whom are California-based actors and musicians, struggle to find new sources of energy to fuel their private jets so they can continue to admonish the plebe for its persistent burning of fossil fuels in wasteful SUVs.

Recent news articles announced to the world the creative efforts of America’s best scientists to free our country from our addiction to foreign oil. First, you heard about the bacteria that devour waste and produce oil. The same week, another article explained how other scientists have figured out how to make diesel made from the bi-product of algae.

Neither of these “solutions” are viable, as pointed out by the good folks of, who point out that forcing bacteria to devour human waste is an inhumane plan by conservatives to further devalue other life forms.

Likewise, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Algae) enlightened Democratic leaders that tinkering with the genes of plants and animals is unacceptably dangerous, since it might lead to the discovery of a Gay gene, and thus a vaccine which could be used to eliminate homosexuals—all part of the same conservative plot to commit anti-queer genocide that resulted in the creation of the AIDS virus. (Kudos to Reverend Wright and Barack Obama for enlightening us on the AIDS conspiracy!)

But in a tiny laboratory hidden deep in the bowels of the University of California, Berkeley, can be found scientists who may have finally got it right and will solve all of the world’s ecological problems in one go.

Dr Sonny Sorenson, MD, has determined that large quantities of petroleum products could be generated from the waste materials from the world’s aborted fetuses. That’s right: kill your child and save the world.

Dr. Sorenson, who is also President and founder of FetusFuels Inc. says, “There are millions of unwanted children in this world who provide little or no value and are, in fact, a clear drain on both society and the natural world. Additionally, millions of unwanted fetuses are aborted annually, and their bodies dumped unceremoniously into garbage dumpsters. This is a crime: it would be much better if you gave them to me and allowed me to produce bio-fuel from the corpses.”

When asked about the morality of profiting from the murder of human fetuses, Dr. Sorenson laughs. “They are not human unless their mothers say they are, so it can’t be murder. They are actually less valuable than common bacteria, since at least most bacteria have some positive impact, while fetuses don’t contribute to the world until they’ve completed a liberal education and adopted a gay lifestyle.”

This journalist has discovered this newest form of bio-fuel is being promoted by the left-wing Hollywood elite. Rosie O’Donnell has reportedly donated $10 million to research and development of FetusFuels. She reacted angrily to questions about the morality of the proposal. “The US government killed three thousand people in the World Trade Center. The US government bombed Japan. And now you ask me about the morality of fueling my private jet with baby oil? Hypocrites!”

O’Donnell compares this latest twist in the Green Movement to Jonathon Swift’s Modest Proposal. “It was clear that Swift was progressive, and he must have been gay, since only a gay could see past the supposed value of a ‘baby’ and see it as a more valuable product.” She refers to Swift’s essay in which he suggested that the English solve their problem with the Irish by eating Irish babies. O’Donnell says that Swift’s solution, while sounding radical by today’s standards, was actually quite reasonable, given the excessive Irish fertility and generally low overall human worth. “And I’m of Irish decent, so I can say that. And if the breeders don’t like to hear it, tell them to shut the F- up!”

The latest proposal has found support from NOHW (National Oil Hating Wymyn), PIAH (People for the Immediate Annihilation of Humanity), and GLBTAIL (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Against Big Oil).

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