Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The honeymoon is over

A good friend of mine sent me an email and told me that he is about to celebrate his FIRST ANNIVERSARY! YAHOO!

That pretty much forced me to give him marriage advice.

The honeymoon is over.

It’s time to take the relationship to the next level. It’s easy to be a newlywed. Being an experience married couple requires focus, determination, and a dedication to curmudgeonly behavior.

Most newlyweds really don’t have the experience necessary to turn a truly trivial issue into a proper screaming match. Being a former teacher and corporate trainer, and an experience husband after eight years, I not only have the techniques down, but I’ve got the professional skills to teach others how to do it.

I’ve considered providing a genuine training course. Maybe a “vacation getaway” plan, or “spouse-abuse boot camp”. No, you can’t bring children or pets until you’re ready for post-graduate level courses.

Semester One:

Course 101: Intro to Arguing.
It’s not enough to disagree. Talented arguers know how to turn their beloved’s best points inside out.
Women learn how to keep track of their husbands every mistake and strategically bring them up when convenient.
Men learn how to convincingly tune their wives out, play dumb when they don’t have a ready answer, and stall for time.

Course 102: The finer points of picking nits.
Toothpaste tube squeezing techniques for dummies.
Who leaves the toilet lid up versus who leaves the lights on and which of the two is the worse offense.
How to use the remote control for maximum irritation.
Find out why “I cooked, so you clean” only works for gay couples.

Course 103: How to ruin a dream vacation.
Camping in the rainy season.
Gambling away the gas money.
Make your macho husband go to a Broadway musical.
Staring at the waitress’s ass.
Many other creative ways to ruin a vacation!

Course 104: Advanced communication skills for In-laws.
Best techniques for sharing your “plumber butt”.
The Baboon’s guide to table manners.
Let his mother know she raised an idiot.
Tactical use of sarcasm and innuendo.

Course 105 (women only): Headaches as a tool for behavior modification
Negative reinforcement is not just for rats.
Even power brokers and high-dollar lawyers will knuckle under eventually.
Find out whY there are no modern monks.

Course 106: Men don’t eat Quiche, unless they want to remain happily married
You don’t know hunger until you’ve insulted your wife’s cooking.
A lack of discretion can be a great diet plan!

Semester Two:
Course 201: (men only): Matrimonial Propaganda: Why Goebbels was a happily married man
Lies told often enough will be believed.
The propaganda uses of an action must be considered when planning that action.
Propaganda must be carefully timed.
Avoiding flattery faux-pas
The lost art of groveling, and why pride has nothing to do with happiness.

Course 202 The joys of make-up sex and how to get it.
Advanced lessons open to 21 and over. Diplomacy in the boudoirs. Men must have finished Course 201 with a passing grade.

Course 203: How to help your spouse develop a sense of humor.
Some people just can’t take a joke. Be persistent, they’ll get it eventually.
Q: “Does this dress make me look fat?” A: “No, it’s your fat ass that makes you look fat.”
Q: “Don’t you think I’d look better with a breast reduction?” A: “That might be a good start.”
Q: “How come I never get a promotion?” A: “Why don’t you tattoo your IQ on your forehead?”

Course 204: Naming a baby should stir controversy. Don’t back down!
Traditional names are for wimps and show a lack of creativity. Be unconventional!
The art of making Biblical names new: Jesusita, Sarahfina, Ismaelrulis, Paulmeliqua
The art of combining both his and her names into one:
Tomas + Mary = Tomary
Robert + Sandra = Sanbert
Francis + Lucy = Frucy
Research tools for esoteric but meaningful names.
It’s fun to name babies after plants, animals, and geographic locations.
The advanced employment of special characters to make unique names: @br@h@m. $tephen. ^atha^. Estr*lla. La’Keisha. &amuĂ©l. E-mail.

Course 205: Old Age is a long way off. Live in the moment.
You probably won’t live until retirement, so get that boat you always wanted!
Turning college into a career.
He’s got two and only needs one: How to market your children’s extra organs.

Financial aid is available, reserve your space today!

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