Save the world with Baby Oil

Thanks to the genius of Al Gore and his entourage of enlightened Hollywood elite, the world is now aware of its impending doom. Leftists are rallying to stop global warming caused by the world’s most dreadful pest species, homo sapiens.

The global warming threat looms over humanity at the same time that energy sources have been maxed out, causing a dreadful situation in which the world’s most important individuals, almost all of whom are California-based actors and musicians, struggle to find new sources of energy to fuel their private jets so they can continue to admonish the plebe for its persistent burning of fossil fuels in wasteful SUVs.

Recent news articles announced to the world the creative efforts of America’s best scientists to free our country from our addiction to foreign oil. First, you heard about the bacteria that devour waste and produce oil. The same week, another article explained how other scientists have figured out how to make diesel made from the bi-product of algae.

Neither of these “solutions” are viable, as pointed out by the good folks of MoveOn.org, who point out that forcing bacteria to devour human waste is an inhumane plan by conservatives to further devalue other life forms.

Likewise, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Algae) enlightened Democratic leaders that tinkering with the genes of plants and animals is unacceptably dangerous, since it might lead to the discovery of a Gay gene, and thus a vaccine which could be used to eliminate homosexuals—all part of the same conservative plot to commit anti-queer genocide that resulted in the creation of the AIDS virus. (Kudos to Reverend Wright and Barack Obama for enlightening us on the AIDS conspiracy!)

But in a tiny laboratory hidden deep in the bowels of the University of California, Berkeley, can be found scientists who may have finally got it right and will solve all of the world’s ecological problems in one go.

Dr Sonny Sorenson, MD, has determined that large quantities of petroleum products could be generated from the waste materials from the world’s aborted fetuses. That’s right: kill your child and save the world.

Dr. Sorenson, who is also President and founder of FetusFuels Inc. says, “There are millions of unwanted children in this world who provide little or no value and are, in fact, a clear drain on both society and the natural world. Additionally, millions of unwanted fetuses are aborted annually, and their bodies dumped unceremoniously into garbage dumpsters. This is a crime: it would be much better if you gave them to me and allowed me to produce bio-fuel from the corpses.”

When asked about the morality of profiting from the murder of human fetuses, Dr. Sorenson laughs. “They are not human unless their mothers say they are, so it can’t be murder. They are actually less valuable than common bacteria, since at least most bacteria have some positive impact, while fetuses don’t contribute to the world until they’ve completed a liberal education and adopted a gay lifestyle.”

This journalist has discovered this newest form of bio-fuel is being promoted by the left-wing Hollywood elite. Rosie O’Donnell has reportedly donated $10 million to research and development of FetusFuels. She reacted angrily to questions about the morality of the proposal. “The US government killed three thousand people in the World Trade Center. The US government bombed Japan. And now you ask me about the morality of fueling my private jet with baby oil? Hypocrites!”

O’Donnell compares this latest twist in the Green Movement to Jonathon Swift’s Modest Proposal. “It was clear that Swift was progressive, and he must have been gay, since only a gay could see past the supposed value of a ‘baby’ and see it as a more valuable product.” She refers to Swift’s essay in which he suggested that the English solve their problem with the Irish by eating Irish babies. O’Donnell says that Swift’s solution, while sounding radical by today’s standards, was actually quite reasonable, given the excessive Irish fertility and generally low overall human worth. “And I’m of Irish decent, so I can say that. And if the breeders don’t like to hear it, tell them to shut the F- up!”

The latest proposal has found support from NOHW (National Oil Hating Wymyn), PIAH (People for the Immediate Annihilation of Humanity), and GLBTAIL (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Against Big Oil).

The honeymoon is over

A good friend of mine sent me an email and told me that he is about to celebrate his FIRST ANNIVERSARY! YAHOO!

That pretty much forced me to give him marriage advice.

The honeymoon is over.

It’s time to take the relationship to the next level. It’s easy to be a newlywed. Being an experience married couple requires focus, determination, and a dedication to curmudgeonly behavior.

Most newlyweds really don’t have the experience necessary to turn a truly trivial issue into a proper screaming match. Being a former teacher and corporate trainer, and an experience husband after eight years, I not only have the techniques down, but I’ve got the professional skills to teach others how to do it.

I’ve considered providing a genuine training course. Maybe a “vacation getaway” plan, or “spouse-abuse boot camp”. No, you can’t bring children or pets until you’re ready for post-graduate level courses.


Semester One:

Course 101: Intro to Arguing.
It’s not enough to disagree. Talented arguers know how to turn their beloved’s best points inside out.
Women learn how to keep track of their husbands every mistake and strategically bring them up when convenient.
Men learn how to convincingly tune their wives out, play dumb when they don’t have a ready answer, and stall for time.

Course 102: The finer points of picking nits.
Toothpaste tube squeezing techniques for dummies.
Who leaves the toilet lid up versus who leaves the lights on and which of the two is the worse offense.
How to use the remote control for maximum irritation.
Find out why “I cooked, so you clean” only works for gay couples.

Course 103: How to ruin a dream vacation.
Camping in the rainy season.
Gambling away the gas money.
Make your macho husband go to a Broadway musical.
Staring at the waitress’s ass.
Many other creative ways to ruin a vacation!

Course 104: Advanced communication skills for In-laws.
Best techniques for sharing your “plumber butt”.
The Baboon’s guide to table manners.
Let his mother know she raised an idiot.
Tactical use of sarcasm and innuendo.

Course 105 (women only): Headaches as a tool for behavior modification
Negative reinforcement is not just for rats.
Even power brokers and high-dollar lawyers will knuckle under eventually.
Find out whY there are no modern monks.

Course 106: Men don’t eat Quiche, unless they want to remain happily married
You don’t know hunger until you’ve insulted your wife’s cooking.
A lack of discretion can be a great diet plan!

Semester Two:
Course 201: (men only): Matrimonial Propaganda: Why Goebbels was a happily married man
Lies told often enough will be believed.
The propaganda uses of an action must be considered when planning that action.
Propaganda must be carefully timed.
Avoiding flattery faux-pas
The lost art of groveling, and why pride has nothing to do with happiness.

Course 202 The joys of make-up sex and how to get it.
Advanced lessons open to 21 and over. Diplomacy in the boudoirs. Men must have finished Course 201 with a passing grade.

Course 203: How to help your spouse develop a sense of humor.
Some people just can’t take a joke. Be persistent, they’ll get it eventually.
Q: “Does this dress make me look fat?” A: “No, it’s your fat ass that makes you look fat.”
Q: “Don’t you think I’d look better with a breast reduction?” A: “That might be a good start.”
Q: “How come I never get a promotion?” A: “Why don’t you tattoo your IQ on your forehead?”

Course 204: Naming a baby should stir controversy. Don’t back down!
Traditional names are for wimps and show a lack of creativity. Be unconventional!
The art of making Biblical names new: Jesusita, Sarahfina, Ismaelrulis, Paulmeliqua
The art of combining both his and her names into one:
Tomas + Mary = Tomary
Robert + Sandra = Sanbert
Francis + Lucy = Frucy
Research tools for esoteric but meaningful names.
It’s fun to name babies after plants, animals, and geographic locations.
The advanced employment of special characters to make unique names: @br@h@m. $tephen. ^atha^. Estr*lla. La’Keisha. &amuél. E-mail.

Course 205: Old Age is a long way off. Live in the moment.
You probably won’t live until retirement, so get that boat you always wanted!
Turning college into a career.
He’s got two and only needs one: How to market your children’s extra organs.

Financial aid is available, reserve your space today!