Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Harold and Kumar go to the Whitehouse

Obama, Biden wait in line to buy hamburgers

May 5 02:35 PM US/Eastern By BEEN FELT Associated Press Writer

*CLARIFICATION: This satirical article contains text directly snagged from a real AP article by Ben Feller. I have used his wording exactly in the first part of the article (I'll bookstand his writing with asterisks *abc* to avoid being accused of plagiarism). I then took creative liberty with the story. Enjoy

ARLINGTON, Va. (AP) - A funny thing happened at a local burger joint: *When you want a burger, you have to have a burger. In this state of mind, President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden took a short—but wholly noticeable—motorcade ride from the White House to Virginia and pulled into a small, independent burger joint called Ray's Hell Burger.

The two leaders went right up to the counter where the meat was being grilled and ordered. The restaurant, which prides itself on premium aged 10-ounce burgers, sits in a small strip plaza. The burgers sell for $6.95. *

Their conversation was recorded by a camera hidden by a GOP operative posing as a Burger Technician. The transcript below is (mostly) unedited.
President Obama: So, Joe, what do you, uh, recommend?
Vice President Biden: I tell my family and friends to avoid joints like this, especially during rush hours when the chance of being infected by swine flu is greatest, but I guess-
Obama: Joe, I mean, what’s good here?
Biden: Oh, sorry, I guess I just feel so bad about that latest gaffe, you know, I’m kind of fixated-
Obama: Joe, seriously, stay on task. We gotta run back to the White House before the Secret Service notices we’re gone.
Biden: Oh, man. Yeah, I did it again. Be cool, Joe, be cool. I was thinking about a Buffalo Burger with Bacon.
Obama: Buffalo? Isn’t that an endangered species, Joe? What would our PETA friends say?
Biden: You mean it’s bison? I thought that meant it was from upstate New York! Yuck. I’d never knowingly eat a buffalo.
Obama: What else do you recommend?
Biden: I should probably never be sent out for a speaking engagement without our best handlers-
Obama: Dammit Joe, I’m talking burgers here, and there’s a line of patrons behind us waiting. Sorry folks…{to a swooning patron behind him} Yes, I am the One. I have a gift. {Turning back to Biden} Joe, c’mon. Tell me what’s good.
Biden: The Mushroom burger might be good. {Leaning close and whispering to the President} Tell me the truth, Barry, you ever try magic ‘shrooms when you were in college?
Obama: {Smiling coyly} My, uhm, lips…are sealed. {Placing order} It took me over 100 days to get a recommendation from my VP I could agree with! {the other patrons laugh and applaud adoringly} I think I’ll take the advice of my Vice President, and have a ‘shroom burger.
Biden: {Over-excited and seeking approval from the crowd} I finally did it! That was a good recommendation. I want one, too.
Obama: {Looks disapprovingly at his VP} You’re gonna—you’re gonna have the same thing as me?
Biden: {Looking unsure} Yeessss….?
Obama: {Shakes his head} That wouldn’t look…cool, Joe. {Whispering in Joe’s ear} You need to look like you can…like you can think for yourself. Show some originality.
Biden: {Seriously on the spot, gets nervous, appears to wet himself} In that case…I want the jalapenis burger…with extra jalapenis.
Obama: {Shocked} What did you order? The hollow…what?
Biden: Jalapenis Burger. You know, hot peppars.
Obama: God, Joe, could you be any more gay? {Patrons laugh hysterically} It’s pronounced ha-la-pain-yos, not “hollow-penis”.
Biden: Oh. Is that right? I don’t habla.
Obama: Stick with me, Joe. Uno, dos, tres, cuatro de cinco…
Ray’s Hell Burger Attendant taking the order behind counter: Mr. President, do you want the watermelon, or corn with that?
Obama: {Offended} What? Watermelon? Why would you ask that? Oh, I get it, it’s because I’m black, right? Like “give the first black President watermelon instead of Fries"! I want French Fries, mister. Not “Freedom Fries” like the stupid neocons order, and you better say you’re sorry for that racist comment-
Biden: {Trying to stop Obama} Uh, Barry! They don’t-
Obama: Because if you don’t apologize, and now, mister, I’ll nationalize this little redneck dive and give it to union burger floppers!
Biden: {Desperately grabbing Obama’s arm} Barry, they don’t serve fries here. They only serve watermelon and corn!
Obama: {Trying to regain his cool} No French Fries? No? {Looks to the crowd for confirmation…they nod, reassuringly}. Well then, I’ll take the corn. No watermelon for this guy.
Biden: I’ll take the watermelon.
Obama: Joe, take the corn.
Biden: But I want the watermelon.
Obama: Take the goddamn corn.
Biden: But you said I had to look like I could think-
Obama: The frickin’ corn, Joe.
Biden: I hate watermelon. I want the corn.
Obama reaches into his pocket and pulls out a wad of cash.
Biden: Hey, Barry, I seem to have left my wallet again, doggon it! And I had wanted to invite you this time.
Obama: {Shakes his head} We need to get you one of those wallets with a chain, Joe. You never can find your wallet when it’s time to pay.
Biden: No, really, I was going to pay this time, honest. {The crowd boos the Veep} Really, I was!
Obama: {Raises his hand as if to bless the crowd} Forgive him, my people. He literally knows not what he does. {Crowd applauds the President’s magnanimity} You know, this round is on me. Burgers and circuses for everyone!
The President slaps down a wad of bills on the counter, picks up the bag of food the attendant has handed him, grabs his befuddled VP by the elbow, and struts slowly out of the restaurant, bathed in the praise of his worshipping followers.

1 comment:

Reaganite Republican Resistance said...

MSM, please continue to bring us these great articles on Obama’s lunches with Joey Pluggs, cool neckties, puppy vetting process, and how he likes to play basketball.

Don’t worry about his attempts to run socialism in through the back door, petty vindictiveness and attempts to squelch all opposing voices, myriad broken campaign promises, mafia-style threats against banks, the political smoke-plume coming out of Illinois with Blago, Rahmbo, and Rezko... or even Obama's dreadful cabinet nominations.

That’s all just a “distraction” from the "historical moment"… and our intentions SHOULD be suspect if we ask to know all the details... right?